I'm Just So Angry Today...

I was thinking 2 myself 2day about my son's B-day (which is on Monday) and I had this rush of such ANGRY feelings that I thought were not there anymore, but WOW, I was WRONG.

Not only was I thinking of the things I needed 2 do 2 get everything done 4 his B-day, but 2day Jay also came home with a yellow frm school, because he is continually talking while the teacher is trying 2 teach. All these feelings that came 2 me were of such ANGER towards Jay's Father (or should I say Sperm Donor). I met Jay's Father when I was in the 6th grade & he was 2 yrs ahead of me n we always had an on again/off again relationship all throughout school till he graduated n continued after that into my college years (that's when I got pregnant).

I usually dnt talk about these things bcuz I dnt want ne1 to think that I want pitty frm them, but I'm jus so ANGRY with him. Since the day he was born, Jay's Father has not done 1 damn thing 4 him. Not 4 his B-day or ANY Holidays. The longest he has gone w/o contacting Jay is a year n 4 months. WTF is that? But, being the Godly woman that I consider myself 2 be (most of the time), I felt that the right thing that God would want me 2 do in this situation is 2 b the bigger person. If he wasn't going 2 make an effort 2 know who his son was, then it was left up 2 me 2 make the effort 4 my son. For almost 6 yrs now I have always been the 1 to call n make sure he talks 2 Jay, and I'm the 1 that gives the idea of maybe he should get his son for a week or two so they can bond (he has done that about 7 er 8 times now).

I just didn't want Jay 2 get older n get upset with me bcuz I didn't make an effort 4 him to get 2 know his Father. But all I get is empty promises. "I promise Ima buy him something," "I promise I'm gonna start being a good father," "I promise I'm gonna start paying my child support" (which to this date he owe's me $21,000 dollars n has already been 2 jail for 6 mo for not paying). So, about 4 months ago, I gave up n said I can no longer do this. I can NO LONGER be the 1 to make the effort. I have tried for 6 yrs n I will try NO LONGER. Jay knows who his Father is and his Grandpa (who doesn't do shit either), so when Jay gets older at least he will know that I tried n he wont be mad at me, he will be mad at him for not caring.

Now, the reason I started 2 write this was bcuz of my ANGRY feelings. I don't like 2 feel this way inside & it all just came out 2day. How can he make a Baby n not wonder how he's doing everyday? How can he just get me pregnant n leave? How can he just sit back n go on w/ his life n watch me struggle? I feel like he got me pregnant n was like "I'm gonna go on with my life n keep enjoying myself n I'm gonna change her life 4ever & sit back n watch her struggle."

I'm upset bcuz I'm TIRED. I work my ass off n I'm stressed 2 the max. And especially with the things I have gone thru recently in my life, I feel maybe I wouldn't be having 2 do some of these things 2 survive n take care of Jay if he would put in some kind of financial support. I have 2 punish Jay and now that he has started school, Its a big adjustment, so I'm finding myself discipling him more. Bcuz I want him to have a solid foundation 2 b a productive citizen n I refuse 2 let him walk right over me. I want to give up so many times, but I can't. It wouldn't be fair 2 Jay. He didn't asked 2 be brought here and I didn't ask 2 do it on my own either. See the paradox I'm facing?

I just can't understand how any human being male/female could make a child n just not care about their well-being? I'm just so upset that he has left me 2 be the Daddy. I had Jay 2 months shy of turning 19, I gave up my freedom 2 have him. I just feel alone and mad and extremely hurt. I don't understand why all this is happening. I'm a good person. But, they say your not suppost 2 question God. I know all of this is happening 4 a reason? But what bothers me the most is.... I dnt know how 2 teach Jay 2 be a man. And it 's 6 yrs now he hasn't had a SOLID Father Figure in his life. Is a good 1 finally going 2 come along b4 it's to late n he gets 2 old? I have recently begun 2 pray 2 God for a GREAT man 2 come into our life...

I know God will not take me to what he can not bring me through, so I jus needed 2 get these feelings out. I also wish I had a more supportive family. Its horrible 2 be a young single mother, but what's even worse than that is when u dnt have family 2 support you unconditionally or any kind of support system at that. But my family has ALWAYS been SUPER FUCKED UP, so that just doesn't bother me anymore that they are the way they are.

Well, I'm going 2 end this. I think I might be angry the rest of my life at Jay's real father. I will wrk on that with God n through Prayer. Lets be there for 1 another ppl, u NEVER know what some1 is going thru until u walk a mile in their shoes. So STOP being so Judgemental. That is God's duty, not ANY human being. Until next time.... God Bless 2 All :)

The Harsh Reality Of My Life Right Now...

I am sitting here with alot of things on my mind, heart n soul... Things that I have been holding in for much of my life & also things that have happened 2 me recently.I don't know exactly where 2 start but I do know I need 2 get it out in some form & 2 me this is the healthiest way 2 do it right now... I don't like 2 let many ppl in my personal bizness but I HAVE 2 vent, I JUST HAVE 2...

I must say that I am a woman that has grown up quite fast due 2 the consequences of my decision making in life, which is a good n bad thing rapped all in 1. I have thought of myself over the year's of being the type of woman 2 stay on top of things n try most of the time 2 view/understand life in a Godly manner, but here lately I have 2 admit I am extremely frustrated with LIFE all around. A few months ago I made a very bad decision due 2 actually trying 2 trust someone by going on their "Word." Someone who did a 360 on me in a matter of days. At the time I didn't know it would b the worst decision I have ever made 4 my son and I. And it is was an atmosphere that was not in any way shape or form healthy for either 1 of us & a situation that I had 2 remove Us from Immediately n Safely.

Over the past few months I have had 2 make some very rough n tough & quite quick decisions 2 get myself out of the situation I thought was going 2 b productive, but totally reared it's ugly head in the worst way possible. I have 2 let it b known that My Son Jayzaniah is my WORLD, he is the best thing that I have ever done with my time here on earth. He came 2 me at an early age but he has molded me into the person I need 2 b. I would never want him 2 have a childhood the way my turned out n that is a promise I made 2 myself year's ago before I even started 2 have sex. It is my duty as a Mother 2 protect him by all means necessary, even if it boils down 2 doing some thing's in life I NEVER would of thought I would have 2 do & NEVER would of crossed my mind 2 start doing. But being that I have always learned life lessons the hard way, I must admit this is the hardest 1 yet.

I have 2 also say that I don't have many ppl by my side, family or friend wise n that is because I have been burned time n time again n refuse 2 let it go on anymore. The only close 1's I thought I did have, turned out 2 b the most Judgemental, Talk behind my back human beings I think u can come across. The kind of ppl that knew what I was going through, fact 4 fact n turned their backs on me n kicked while I was down 2 the point where I have forgiven them through prayer & in my Heart but can never have a positive relationship with them again. How dare you judge me n you know my struggle & the things I'm having 2 do on my own 2 keep me n my son away from ugly, cold-hearted ppl. The past months have been the most eye opening experience I have faced yet. And all I am asking 4 is Understanding & Love, which I have never come across.

I don't want 2 get into 2 much detail of what I have been through recently because for once in my life I am Ashamed. Just embarassed & ashamed 2 the highest power. But, I do know that I know I have dissapointed God & that is what kills me the most. I can deal with ppl judging me n turnig their backs but 2 let down My Heavenly Father, the 1 who has NEVER left me & most of my life is the only being that made me believe there was Hope that I will be ok & it is killing my Heart, Mind & Soul 2 the point I am afraid 2 pray, but I still do & ask 4 Forgiveness, even though it is a GREAT Paradox I'm facing. I LOVE the Lord with all my Heart as I do my son & with the situation at hand, As a Mother I feel I did the only thing I could at the time 2 survive n remove us from a horrible situation.

I see myself as a very intelligent woman, & that is book wise & especially Street wise. A woman that has always been a loner & the reason that is, is because I have been through so much in my short 24 years that I feel most ppl I meet just don't get it. They don't get why they r here on earth. I feel Im 40 in the head but stuck in a 24 year olds body. But, this is the only thing that keeps me going everyday other than my Son... I HAVE TOTAL FAITH IN THE LORD THAT HE KNOW'S WHAT HE'S DOING & I KNOW EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. I have 2 b destined 4 something GREAT. I know it & I feel it in my Heart and Soul. From my Childhood 2 my Teen's to my now Adult n Motherhood, it has been so rough n cold & lonely that there is no other outcome but 2 be Great in the next years. I know the type of human being I am. The type of person that is generous n kind n loving n forgiving & intelligent, but at the same time cold, but only to protect myself from further hurt.

The best part is I know that GOD is the ONLY 1 who know's my Heart & Soul, no1 else truly does or has ever taken the time to. So, that is what is pushing me through this very rough spot in my life & I wish it would just end so I can move on & do the things I need 2 do as a mother & a woman 2 better Jay's & I life. I don't want much, I'm use 2 being alone as I said earlier. I've been a single mother now for almost 6 years & that's not what bother's me, but I have 2 b REAL & say it would b nice 2 come 2gether with a man so some of this heavy weight can b lifted off of my shoulder's & so my son can have a decent Father figure sometime b4 he gets 2 old. But if not, that's ok. All I want is 2 finish my education & 2 actually have a career & I want 2 own my own house & not have 2 worry about going month 2 month. I want 2 have Jayzaniah's college fund taken care of so he doesn't have 2 struggle n work his butt off just 2 get through school. That is my duty 2 do that. And if at all possible... find a great man somehow in all this madness & have 1 more child so my son is not all alone in this world in case something happens to me.

Is that 2 much 2 ask for??? Most women (girls) I should say, that r my age aren't in that type of mind frame, even if they are mother's. There are some but most still party hard & have their priorities all f***ed up n don't see that precious time is being wasted on such insignificant, un-meaningful things. I must say that this has helped me a Great deal 2 finally let some of this out, and even though I feel my life is falling apart I know that I am as no1 else on this Universe other than Our Heavenly Father is perfect... So I am coping & dealing with this the best way I know how. I must also say tho... I am proud of myself 4 putting my Son's best interest & well being 1st, even if it mean's me doing things 4 a brief moment in my life that I truely dispise & hate & disgusted with. But I have 2 fake the smile anyway for the time being & just keep pushing on through.

Jayzaniah U will never know how much I Love U & I know I get frustrated at times but I will never Love another (other than God) the way I have Love for U. I will do anything for U & know matter what decisions u make in life, I PROMISE I will NEVER turn my back on U n make u feel Alone. That is my WORD as your Mother, Provider & Friend.

I have Faith & Hope that things r going 2 turn around for Us & it will make us into the most Humble n Greatest human beings that God could smile upon. Other than God, U r all I have right now & has been that way for year's & even though I haven't made all the right decisions over the year's, I am a learning work in progress but I will NEVER Leave U (God Willing) & will NEVER let anyone Hurt you. I Love U Eternally & Forever. You are my Flesh & Blood 4 Eternity.

Thank You for letting me vent this... It has healed me in a very small but encouraging way. Till next time my fellow beings... Let's b Good 2 1 another & Love 1 another & Help each other, for Life is 2 Short 2 take for Granted & 2 b Hateful, Judgemental, Cold-Hearted & Non-Forgiving. God Bless Always and May The Great Joy's & Happiness of Life b With You Forever and More.