I am sitting here with alot of things on my mind, heart n soul... Things that I have been holding in for much of my life & also things that have happened 2 me recently.I don't know exactly where 2 start but I do know I need 2 get it out in some form & 2 me this is the healthiest way 2 do it right now... I don't like 2 let many ppl in my personal bizness but I HAVE 2 vent, I JUST HAVE 2...
I must say that I am a woman that has grown up quite fast due 2 the consequences of my decision making in life, which is a good n bad thing rapped all in 1. I have thought of myself over the year's of being the type of woman 2 stay on top of things n try most of the time 2 view/understand life in a Godly manner, but here lately I have 2 admit I am extremely frustrated with LIFE all around. A few months ago I made a very bad decision due 2 actually trying 2 trust someone by going on their "Word." Someone who did a 360 on me in a matter of days. At the time I didn't know it would b the worst decision I have ever made 4 my son and I. And it is was an atmosphere that was not in any way shape or form healthy for either 1 of us & a situation that I had 2 remove Us from Immediately n Safely.
Over the past few months I have had 2 make some very rough n tough & quite quick decisions 2 get myself out of the situation I thought was going 2 b productive, but totally reared it's ugly head in the worst way possible. I have 2 let it b known that My Son Jayzaniah is my WORLD, he is the best thing that I have ever done with my time here on earth. He came 2 me at an early age but he has molded me into the person I need 2 b. I would never want him 2 have a childhood the way my turned out n that is a promise I made 2 myself year's ago before I even started 2 have sex. It is my duty as a Mother 2 protect him by all means necessary, even if it boils down 2 doing some thing's in life I NEVER would of thought I would have 2 do & NEVER would of crossed my mind 2 start doing. But being that I have always learned life lessons the hard way, I must admit this is the hardest 1 yet.
I have 2 also say that I don't have many ppl by my side, family or friend wise n that is because I have been burned time n time again n refuse 2 let it go on anymore. The only close 1's I thought I did have, turned out 2 b the most Judgemental, Talk behind my back human beings I think u can come across. The kind of ppl that knew what I was going through, fact 4 fact n turned their backs on me n kicked while I was down 2 the point where I have forgiven them through prayer & in my Heart but can never have a positive relationship with them again. How dare you judge me n you know my struggle & the things I'm having 2 do on my own 2 keep me n my son away from ugly, cold-hearted ppl. The past months have been the most eye opening experience I have faced yet. And all I am asking 4 is Understanding & Love, which I have never come across.
I don't want 2 get into 2 much detail of what I have been through recently because for once in my life I am Ashamed. Just embarassed & ashamed 2 the highest power. But, I do know that I know I have dissapointed God & that is what kills me the most. I can deal with ppl judging me n turnig their backs but 2 let down My Heavenly Father, the 1 who has NEVER left me & most of my life is the only being that made me believe there was Hope that I will be ok & it is killing my Heart, Mind & Soul 2 the point I am afraid 2 pray, but I still do & ask 4 Forgiveness, even though it is a GREAT Paradox I'm facing. I LOVE the Lord with all my Heart as I do my son & with the situation at hand, As a Mother I feel I did the only thing I could at the time 2 survive n remove us from a horrible situation.
I see myself as a very intelligent woman, & that is book wise & especially Street wise. A woman that has always been a loner & the reason that is, is because I have been through so much in my short 24 years that I feel most ppl I meet just don't get it. They don't get why they r here on earth. I feel Im 40 in the head but stuck in a 24 year olds body. But, this is the only thing that keeps me going everyday other than my Son... I HAVE TOTAL FAITH IN THE LORD THAT HE KNOW'S WHAT HE'S DOING & I KNOW EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. I have 2 b destined 4 something GREAT. I know it & I feel it in my Heart and Soul. From my Childhood 2 my Teen's to my now Adult n Motherhood, it has been so rough n cold & lonely that there is no other outcome but 2 be Great in the next years. I know the type of human being I am. The type of person that is generous n kind n loving n forgiving & intelligent, but at the same time cold, but only to protect myself from further hurt.
The best part is I know that GOD is the ONLY 1 who know's my Heart & Soul, no1 else truly does or has ever taken the time to. So, that is what is pushing me through this very rough spot in my life & I wish it would just end so I can move on & do the things I need 2 do as a mother & a woman 2 better Jay's & I life. I don't want much, I'm use 2 being alone as I said earlier. I've been a single mother now for almost 6 years & that's not what bother's me, but I have 2 b REAL & say it would b nice 2 come 2gether with a man so some of this heavy weight can b lifted off of my shoulder's & so my son can have a decent Father figure sometime b4 he gets 2 old. But if not, that's ok. All I want is 2 finish my education & 2 actually have a career & I want 2 own my own house & not have 2 worry about going month 2 month. I want 2 have Jayzaniah's college fund taken care of so he doesn't have 2 struggle n work his butt off just 2 get through school. That is my duty 2 do that. And if at all possible... find a great man somehow in all this madness & have 1 more child so my son is not all alone in this world in case something happens to me.
Is that 2 much 2 ask for??? Most women (girls) I should say, that r my age aren't in that type of mind frame, even if they are mother's. There are some but most still party hard & have their priorities all f***ed up n don't see that precious time is being wasted on such insignificant, un-meaningful things. I must say that this has helped me a Great deal 2 finally let some of this out, and even though I feel my life is falling apart I know that I am as no1 else on this Universe other than Our Heavenly Father is perfect... So I am coping & dealing with this the best way I know how. I must also say tho... I am proud of myself 4 putting my Son's best interest & well being 1st, even if it mean's me doing things 4 a brief moment in my life that I truely dispise & hate & disgusted with. But I have 2 fake the smile anyway for the time being & just keep pushing on through.
Jayzaniah U will never know how much I Love U & I know I get frustrated at times but I will never Love another (other than God) the way I have Love for U. I will do anything for U & know matter what decisions u make in life, I PROMISE I will NEVER turn my back on U n make u feel Alone. That is my WORD as your Mother, Provider & Friend.
I have Faith & Hope that things r going 2 turn around for Us & it will make us into the most Humble n Greatest human beings that God could smile upon. Other than God, U r all I have right now & has been that way for year's & even though I haven't made all the right decisions over the year's, I am a learning work in progress but I will NEVER Leave U (God Willing) & will NEVER let anyone Hurt you. I Love U Eternally & Forever. You are my Flesh & Blood 4 Eternity.
Thank You for letting me vent this... It has healed me in a very small but encouraging way. Till next time my fellow beings... Let's b Good 2 1 another & Love 1 another & Help each other, for Life is 2 Short 2 take for Granted & 2 b Hateful, Judgemental, Cold-Hearted & Non-Forgiving. God Bless Always and May The Great Joy's & Happiness of Life b With You Forever and More.
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